Alien Abduction

A friend of mine who shall be named later (If I feel like it) keeps asking my how my alien abduction is going. Its our little code. He doesn't want to say what it really is cause he wants to keep the meaning a secret. (Boy is that obvious or not-I mean what else or codes for?)
Anyway, my abduction is not going so hot.
I keep offering myself to various alien groups but no takers. I even recently offered myself to aliens of whom I was once named and got a "We'll think about it."
I have really tried to make myself attractive to aliens. Studying their 'rules.' Passing their 'tests.' Oh yeah- "MARRYING ONE"! But alas, no beaming up so far.
I wonder what they really want from me. Am I not prototypically human enough? Is it my haircut? According to Marney my latest haircut could cause the aliens to go running! I just don't know what they want.
Its probably just a matter of not being younger and more bendable. You know how aliens like to be able to test you and put your through your 'courses.' Yeah that's probably it. The aliens are practicing age discrimination.
I wonder of I tried to break into my own house and a policeman showed up thinking I was an intruder, if I could make a big deal about it and call him and Agist, and get away with it?
Yeah probably. Especially if I was a friend of the president and he too was old! (And stupid.)